Our Deepest Fear

January 12, 2011

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson


I chose this quote as my mantra for this year, 2011, because, although I have glimpsed the castle in all its glory and have, at times, seen the powerful side of myself, I have lurked far too often in the realm of fear. Whilst happy most of the time, I aspire for more than just happiness and contentment in life. I dare to reach for the highest goal of true fulfillment of purpose, of living a miraculous life. And Marianne’s words serve to remind me that greatness exists, and exists within me. It has been there all along and it is time to move beyond the ordinary; often, and with emphasis.
All of my life I have had glimpses of this essential essence which eludes me like the piece of yarn that the cat chases around a corner. I see it, I reach for it, paw at it, and then it disappears again, only to reappear in a different corner of life, never quite leaving altogether. Life brings me messages all the time, messages to walk the healing path, not just step on it now and again, but well and truly walk it until my shoes are worn through and I can find my way even in the dark. I have, in this past year, begun to move beyond excuses, beyond linear thoughts that prevent me from grabbing that string and running with it. I know that doubts and worry only exist in a small mind that does not look beyond itself to see the vast expanse of the Universe and all the possibilities it holds, yet it is difficult at best to move beyond the small self. Meditation and forms of self inspiration are necessary daily, sometimes even from moment to moment. Gratitude has become a way of life for me, as is prayer and feeling my essence and that of those around me.
Today I read a passage from a little book that tells of a man who was a LomiLomi healer who worked in a pizza parlor. He decided he needed to go out and be a healer, so he trusted in ‘akua’ (Hawaiian for god) and set out to do so. Very soon he had a free room to use and someone gave him a massage table. People came from all over the world for his healing methods. This man accessed his power beyond measure; now I hope to do the same.
Not unlike a marathon runner in training, I am a healer in training to run the marathon of a life fulfilled. The past few years I have been preparing to do the work by taking classes, finishing a degree, completing this certification and that certification. When the New Year rolled around I finally got around to framing my certificates and hanging them on the wall in my living room, in order to remind me of where I’ve been and to empower my journey forward. Yet now I face an even greater challenge, one not dissimilar to taking the words from my gut onto this page. I must do the work, I must live the work, I must be the work, regardless of the changes required, the uncertainty involved, or the temperature of the water. There is no more wait time; it’s now, the Universe tells me, or never. I have the patience of Ant and the tenacity of Crab and these traits have served me well in the past; but it is truly time to let go and trust in akua. Namaste.
Rose

Breathing room

When we strip away all the external stuff of life and get down to the bare essentials, as it were, we begin to realize that there is so much that is simply unimportant.

As I sit here by the Blue River in Colorado I realized that this entire past month has been a period of time in which I just stripped away at things…..let go, essentially, of the ‘stuff’ of my life to begin to see what is left. We spend our lives in such a constant state of doing, going, and thinking, that just being becomes the most difficult and often unattainable thing we can do. We may take a yoga class or even meditate daily, but let’s be honest with ourselves…are we just ‘fitting’ it into our already busy and full lives?

The mountains have a way of slowing you down, whether you want to or not. I have been here amongst the mountains for exactly 23 days now, and it has taken all of those days for me to look around, all around my being, both body and soul, and……just be. I left a fulltime job,an aspiring second career, a home with my fiancée, and a very active social life to come here for the summer.

I've come to be in Colorado with my daughter for a roommate, taken a part-time job where I’ve only worked a few hours so far, and essentially have loads of time on my hands. This time, which has felt somewhat like a sentence at first, has led to boredom, depression, internal chatter to ‘make money’ or ‘spend money,’ a need to fill up my time, and, also daily, a sense of wonder at my surroundings.

Suddenly I realized, at this very moment, that what I have been resisting for these last days and weeks is simply being with myself. I believe that this is why most people resist changing their lives. Most are content to stay in the same jobs, adhering to the same routines, and living out life clinging to that sameness. What is wrong with that is not the routine itself, but the fact that many of us are using it to hide from ourselves. We are afraid of looking just inside us, at who we really are underneath all the stuff.

When I started this year, I decided to blog the adventure of my life; the journey of coming to Colorado. Little did I know then, just six months previous, how exhilarating, scary, heart wrenching, depressing, and fulfilling this journey would be. It didn’t turn out anything like I thought it would be. I thought as soon as I didn’t have to work a nine to five job anymore that elation would fill my soul, but alas, it doesn’t work that way with change. Elation has to be earned.

So I sit here today, July 11, 2011, watching the snow hit the top of the mountain while it rains in the valley below, and know that in this moment I am truly here, by myself, with myself, inside myself, and the world is an amazing place to be.
Namaste.